Most commented jokes

The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said:

- GOD will save me.

The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everything to the second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save him. Again he said:

- GOD will save me.

Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and yet again he said:

- GOD will save me.

It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man died and went to heaven. He confronted God with:

- Why didn't you save me, GOD?

And God said:

- I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did you stay in the house?

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.

As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says:

- Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time.

Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed:

- You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?

The Lord sighed, and said:

- No, I guess not.

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked:

- Why did you let him do that?

The Lord smiled and replied:

- Who's he going to tell?

- Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight? - inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.

- Why, no Father - answered the nun demurely - It's just a little gas.

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.

- Oh, just a bit of gas - said sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed:

- Cute little Fart!

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him:

- I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.

- Preacher: You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?

- Old Man: No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering:

- An 'R'! They left out the 'R'.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again:

- It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun:

- I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?

The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

- May I touch them?

The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are.

The nun then asks:

- Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours?

The priest drops his drawers.

- May I touch it?

After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says:

- you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!

- Is that right - the nun replies?

- Yes - says the priest.

So the nun said:

- Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her:

- I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife.

- That's true - he replied - as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives.

- How disgusting - she said - you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung.

With a slight grin, he just said:

- Yes, mam I am.