Most commented jokes

Great truths about life that adults have learned

- Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

- There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

- One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

- Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

- The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

- Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

- Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

- Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

- My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.

- Father, Can I ask you a question?

- Ok ask.

- When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.

- !!!??????!!!

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

- Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?

The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said:

- If there's anything you want to know, just ask me.

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
→ I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
What warning did you give the other party before the collision?
→ Horn

What warning was given by the other party?
→ Moo

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

- I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

- Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

- I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

- I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

- This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

- Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

- I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

- In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

- My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

- You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

- I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

- I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

- In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

- My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

- Well put - the judge replied.

- Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."