Most commented jokes

A Teenager is...

- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

- A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

- Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

- A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

- A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

- An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

- A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

- A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

- A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

- Everyone knows - the mother lectured him:

- that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.

- Oh really? - said the lifeguard:

- from the diving board!?!?

Things My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC...:

- If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...:

- If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...:

- If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!

My Mother taught me ESP...:

- Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...:

- What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!

My Mother taught me HUMOR...:

- When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...:

- If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS...:

- You are just like your father!

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...:

- Do you think you were born in a barn?

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...:

- When you get to be my age, you will understand.

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...:

- Just wait until your father gets home.

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...:

- You are going to get it when we get home.

And my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE...:

- One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like.

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her:

- no.

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly:

- Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long.

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said:

- There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said:

- Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.

- I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen...

The mother broke in:

- My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said:

- That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

- The bus driver insulted me - she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:

- Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.

- You're right - she said.

- I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

- That's a good idea - the man said.

- Here, let me hold your monkey.

The following is a true story.

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says:

- Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

- Hit him again - the 5-year-old said.

- He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said:

- The first one was a girl.

- What did you name her?!?

- Denise!

- Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?

- The second one was a boy.

- Oh, and what did you name him?

- Denephew.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man:

- Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins.

- What a coincidence! - the man said with some obvious pride.

- I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man:

- You, sir, are the father of triplets.

- Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence - he answered.

- I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

- Don't tell me another coincidence? - asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said:

- I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked:

- Sir, are you all right?

- Yes - says the man

- I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store.

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said:

- Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?

Tommy burst into tears and confessed:

- I think Mommy ate it!