Most commented jokes

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying:

- I know the whole truth even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says:

- I know the whole truth.

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says:

- Just don't tell your father.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with:

- I know the whole truth.

The father promptly hands him $40 and says:

- Please don't say a word to your mother.

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying:

- I know the whole truth.

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says:

- Then come give your FATHER a big hug!

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied:

- I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said:

- I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said:

- Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?

She replied:

- If I tell you, you'll laugh.

- No, I won't.

- Well, if you must know - she answered.

- I work for Tampax.

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said:

- See I knew you would laugh.

- That's not what I'm laughing at - he replied.

- I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:

- Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?

The bus driver shakes his head and says:

- No, I'm sorry.

Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:

- Will it take ME?

10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:

10. Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
11. Is lighter fluid flammable?
12. What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
13. Are knives sharp?
14. Can sharks hurt a human?
15. What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
16. Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
17. Can I go through a brick wall?
18. Can dogs talk?
19. Are blondes really dumb?

From David Letterman and the Late Show...

Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn't Give A Damn

10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy
11. When people whisper, "Your fly is open," he says, "Yeah, I know"
12. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera
13. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he'll say "pancakes" just for the fun of lying
14. He's no longer just fat -- he's now Hugh Rodham fat
15. "Tubby" is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay
16. Doesn't even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore
17. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as "my lovely wife"
18. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as "the house that dirty pardon money built"
19. Sits in the back of Al Gore's journalism class screaming, "Loser!"

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route.

At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked:

- What's your name?

- Patty - she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.

On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him "Special Ross."

Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons.

Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.

On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking...

- Dang, I have two obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

- How do they feel? - asks the sales clerk.

- Well they feel a bit tight - replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.

- Try pulling the tongue out - the clerk says.

- Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth. (DOH!)

These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.

- Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?

- Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'? (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

- I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?

- Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites? hahahaha... what a bone head!

- Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs? hmmm...

I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen...do you?

- I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck. (No...that's your brain miss-firing.)

- I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months. (I know...how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

- I need a color photograph of George Washington. (Ok...hold on... I'll check with the caveman...)

- Is the basement upstairs? (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said:

- No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

- Stop! You can't do this! - exclaimed the brother.

- And why not? - asked Stan.

- Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient:

- C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother:

- You're SURE you want a nephew?

- Yes - the brother replied.

- It would be an honor!

- Well congratulations, you're holding him!