Most commented jokes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said fuck him! - he's only an egg!

Little boy blew Hey! He needed the money!

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says:

- Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank.

- But we's privates - protests Junior.

- NO, we's sergeants now - says Bubba, pulling him inside.

- Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank.

- But, we's privates - says Junior.

- You blind, boy! - says Bubba, pointing at his stripes.

- We's Sergeants now!

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

- You're cute - she says.

- and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers:

- Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign.

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

- Junior - he says.

- What you give me the okay for?!

- Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.

Then he pointed to his stripes and says:

- But we's Sergeants now!

Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show...

Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that's true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend's skin ...

Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore ...

LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn't that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?

In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week ... Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible ... I think money makes it possible!

Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world's first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? It's bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?

According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition! Oh good ... let's tell our enemies ... that's what I love about our country, you can't tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies we're running out of ammunition.

- We don't have any bullets, and I can't tell you if I'm gay.

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying:

- Dear God, please don't let me be late to church.

- Please don't let me be late to church....

As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

- Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!

One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked hid Dad:

- What are these Pop?

- They're smart pills son - said his father.

- Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said:

- Yuck...these taste like poop!

- See - said his father.

- you're already getting smarter!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door and told when to jump.

- My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked.

He quickly answered:

- Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the dog's leash goes slack.

Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
(to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")

Lacy things - the wife is missin,
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Marvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!"

"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

- Officer: May I see your driver's license?

- Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

- Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

- Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

- Officer: The car is stolen?

- Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

- Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

- Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

- Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

- Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

- Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

- Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

- Captain: Who's car is this?

- Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

- Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

- Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

- Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

- Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

- Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

- Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says:

- What's in the bags?

- Sand - answered Juan.

The guard says:

- We'll just see about that - get off the bike!

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks:

- What have you got?

- Sand - says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

- Hey, Buddy - says the guard.

- I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....

- I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?

Juan sips his beer and says:

- Bicycles.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

- Ma'am - said the cop.

- I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

- Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home - responded the Amish lady.

- That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away! - instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

- Well, dear, what exactly did he say? - asked Jacob.

- He said the reflector is broken - replied the lady.

- I can fix that in two minutes. What else? - wondered Jacob.

- I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake...