Most commented jokes

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person:

- How much are the washer and dryer?

- Five dollars for both of them - the salesman said.

- Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me! - the man replied sarcastically.

- No, that's the price - the salesman said.

- Do you want to buy them or not?

- Yeah, I'll take them! - the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

- How much? - he asked.

- Five dollars for the system - the salesman answered.

- Is it stolen? - the guy asks.

- No - said the salesman.

- It's brand new, do you want it or not?

- Sure - the customer replied.

He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor.

- How much?

- Five dollars - was the familiar response.

- I'll take that too! - the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him:

- Why are your prices so cheap?

The salesman said:

- Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

- What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order: A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David. After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said:

- I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads:

- Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

- Sixty is the worst age to be - announced the 60 year old.

- You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!

- Ah, that's nothing - said the 60 year old.

- When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !

- Actually - said the eighty year old.

- Eighty is the worst age of all.

- Do you have trouble peeing too? - asked the sixty year old.

- No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all.

- Do you have trouble taking a crap? - asked the 70 year old.

- No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said:

- Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?

To which the eighty year old replied:

- I don't wake up until ten!

Perks of being over 40...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask:

- Did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and pretty.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room she said:

- Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked:

- By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?

The secretary who was quite witty said:

- Why no Mr. Smith.

- All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were:

- Oh, Shit!

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were:

- Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!

How do you get down from an elephant?
→ You don't. You get down from a duck.

Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?
→ So he could hide in the crayon box.

Why do elephants have wrinkles?
→ Because they are so hard to iron.

Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?
→ Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.

Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle?
→ Because it doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.

Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
→ So no one will recognize them.

Why are elephants such poor dancers?
→ Because they have two left feet.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
→ Time to get a new fence.

Why can't elephants go swimming at the beach?
→ Because they can't keep their trunks up.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Rita.

- Rita who?

- Rita book, you might learn something.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Police.

- Police who?

- Police open the door, I'm tired of knocking.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Henrietta.

- Henrietta who?

- Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Carrie.

- Carrie who?

- Carrie on with what you're doing, I'm at the wrong door.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Anita.

- Anita who?

- Anita drink of water.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Dwain.

- Dwain who?

- Dwain the bathtub, I'm dwrowning.

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.

The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:

- Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied:

- Sorry, it's not really your fault.

- Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!