Most commented jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said:

- We should go to Mars.

The redhead said:

- We should go to the Moon.

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts:

- Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said:

- You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!

The blonde said:

- DUH... Not if you go at night!

This could be considered THE ideal world for many men:

His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.

His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.

A picture of his wife on the milk carton.

On my last trip to Canada, I had the rare pleasure of meeting the leading historian of this great country. Out of curiosity I asked him how their county got it's name.

Below is his explanation...

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

- You know - said the first explorer.

- we should name this place we're hiking through.

- I agree - said the second explorer.

- Great idea - quipped the third explorer.

- We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that.

- Okay - said the third.

- I'll go first. C, eh.

The second said:

- N, eh.

The first...

- D, eh.

And now you know the story.

- Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

- He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

- You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".

- He refers to Klingons as "Critters".

- He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".

- He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.

- He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

- He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".

- He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.

- He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

- He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

- He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".

- He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

- He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".

- He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".

- He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

- He paints the starship John Deere green.

- He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".

- He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".

- His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

- He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".

- His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.

- He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

- His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.

- He sets phaser to "Cajun".

Some lessons learned in life:

- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

- If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

- People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

- And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

- You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.

- No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

- Never lick a steak knife.

- Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

- "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

- I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.

- Psychiatrist: Don't you have a phone in your car?

- Blonde: That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.

- Psychiatrist: Uh ... How's that working?

- Blonde: Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet.

- Psychiatrist: And why do you think that is?

- Blonde: I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing.

The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:

- Parking for drive-through customers only!

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.

The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

- Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!

So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in.

- What - he says - are you doing here!?!

The manager calmly replies:

- Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?

• Make the world your playground.
• Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
• If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
• When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
• Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
• Nap often.
• When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
• Life is hard, and then you nap.
• Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
• Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
• Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
• Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
• Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled:

- father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard.

- My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?

The Choirboy replies...

- flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!

A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.

Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.

Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him:

- Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?

The man replies:

- I'm turning over my mother in law.