Most commented jokes

A few children's books that didn't make the cut:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster... And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

After each question, your say: "Rubber Jugs and Liquor".

What did you have for breakfast?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for lunch?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for supper?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street?
→ hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.

Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said:

- Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!

The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, "well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."

The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."

The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea." The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"

He said, "Well she's also got worms,... And I dooo looove to Fish!!"

A young woman said to her doctor:

- You have to help me, I hurt all over!

What do you mean? - said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled:

- Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled:

- Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts!"

The doctor asked the woman:

- Are you a natural blonde?

Why yes, - she said.

I thought so, - said the doctor.

- You have a sprained finger.

Two condoms were walking past a Gay bar.

One looks at the other and says...:

- You wanna go in and get shit faced?

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said:

- don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor.

Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said:

- no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem.

The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said:

- its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine.

Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was...:

- Why don't we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!

The Lord spoke to Noah and said:

- Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.

And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Ministry of Natural Resources that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, Environment Canada notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Conservation Authority wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"Revenue Canada has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the province that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has!"

Wouldn't it be great if men were made by Kodak!

- They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.

- You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.

- They last longer and come with a warranty.

- You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.

- They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.

- They come in fashion colors.

- You can keep them in maximum zoom.

- They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.

- The parts that count are portable.

- They don't mind over-exposure.

- They respond to the slightest touch.

- The one you want is available at a KMART near you

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said:

- Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.

He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked -- the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said:

- Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?

'Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'