Most commented jokes

• Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
• Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
• Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
• Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
• Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
• Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
• Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
• Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
• Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
• Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
• Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
• Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
• Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
• Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
• Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
• Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms.
• Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
• Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
• Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
• Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
• Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
• Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
• Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
• Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
• Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
• Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
• Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
• Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
• Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
• Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
• Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
• Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
• Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
• Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
• Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
• Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
• Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
• Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
• Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
• Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
• Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
• Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
• Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced:

- Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister...

- Now, now, keep calm, folks - he said.

- Let's all bow our heads and pray.

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except fellow near the back.

- Why aren't you bowing your head to pray? - the minister asked.

- Well, I don't know how to pray, - replied the passenger.

- Well, just do something religious! - piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks:

- Hello, how's the whole family doing??

The son, who answered the phone, answers:

- Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'.

So there is this guy named Bubba who lives in the South who is totally racist. He hates everyone of ethnic background so much that when ever he sees anyone of color walking down the street he runs them over with his truck.

One day Bubba's wife invites the town preacher over for dinner and Bubba has to pick the preacher up and drive him to Bubba's house. Sure enough there is a black guy walking on the side of the road hitch hiking.

Bubba cannot control his urge to hit the guy so he thinks to himself:

- If I pretend to pass out I can swerve over and hit the guy and the preacher will be none the wiser.

So Bubba pretends to pass out and swerves over, after he hears a thump he pretends to wake up. He says to the preacher:

- Please tell me I didn't hit that hitchhiker.

The preacher turns to Bubba and says:

- No son, but I got him with the door.

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again...
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won't miss him
15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your Mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room?
→ Say, "Nice dick."

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
→ An itchy, twitchy twat.

Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
→ If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
→ Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
→ Miracle Whip.

1. On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.
2. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
3. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals!
4. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
5. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
6. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
7. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals"

- Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"

- Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "Damn! Is it Halloween already?"

- Yo Mama's so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"

- Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.

- Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up.

- Yo mama's so ugly, rice crispies won't even talk to her.

- Yo mama's so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out.

- Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

- Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.

- Yo mama's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

- Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says:

- If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.

The old man snaps back:

- Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!