Most commented jokes

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed.

The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfies turn. He said:

- I'm afraid of needles and the electric chair won't work so I pick hanging.

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom:

- Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!

Dear Ann:

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

- You've got to have a room somewhere, - he pleaded.

- Or just a bed, I don't care where.

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

- No problem, - the tired Marine assured him.

- I'll take it.

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

- How'd you sleep? - Asked the manager.

- Never better.

The manager was impressed.

- No problem with the other guy snoring, then?

- Nope, I shut him up in no time. - Said the Marine.

- How'd you manage that? - asked the manager.

- He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, - the Marine explained.

- I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Just remember, if you ever have to go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman:

- Give me six double vodka.

The barman says:

- Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.

- Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back:

- I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said:

- Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?

- Yeah, my wife!

Yo mama's like...:

- Yo mama's like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more.

- Yo mama's like a rifle...four cocks and she's loaded.

- Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine...five cents a blow.

- Yo mama's like Chinese food...sweet, sour, and cheap.

- Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.

- Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away.

- Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth.

- Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.

- Yo mama's like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.

- Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.

- Yo mama's like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner.

- Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day.

- Yo mama's like a 747, she has a very large cockpit.

- Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot.

- Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off.

- Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night.

- Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay."

- Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked.

- Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.

- Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit.

- Yo mama's like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.

- Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.

- Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.

- Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.

- Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing.

- Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all.

- Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free.

- Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.

- Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.

- Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump.

- Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.

- Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.

- Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up.

- Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.

- Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country.

- Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.

- Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers.

- Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country.

- Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up.

- Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.

- Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a feeling!"

- Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... a real good suck.

- Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet.

- Yo mama's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick.

- Yo mama's like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday.

- Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her.

- Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!

- Yo mama's like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day.

- Yo mama's like Denny's... open 24 hours.

- Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.

- Yo mama's like McDonalds... What you want is what you get.

- Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

- Yo mama's like the Pillsbury dough boy... everybody pokes her.

- Yo mama's like lettuce, $1 a head.

- Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.

- Your momma is so fat... the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs!

- Yo momma is so ugly, she entered and ugly contest and one of the judges said "Sorry... No proffessionals allowed!!!"

- Yo momma's so fat, when the lord said "Let There Be Light", he had to ask her to move over!

- Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles, people SLOW DOWN!

- Yo mama is so fat, she walked into a resturant took one look at the menu and said, "yes please!"

- Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!

- Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World!

- Whenever your mamma farts, she causes a continental drift!

- Yo momma's so fat even if she was the last person alive, the world would still be over populated!

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!

One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:

- Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.

Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:

- Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.