Most commented jokes

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:

- I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk:

- Henry, I'm counting on you to do your stuff. - he said. And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out:

- Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself. But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying:

- Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.

- Shhhhh, - Henry whispered. The buzzard is getting closer.

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (Yes, Guys, these are REAL.)1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life 2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed 3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 5) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? 7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral 8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life 9) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me 11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. 12) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow 14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! 15) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 16) I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy 17) I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life 18) I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised 19) I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart 20) I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line 21) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 22) If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low 23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You 24) If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will 25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? 26) Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic 28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus 29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart 30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 31) Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You 32) Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill 33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft 34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart 36) She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty 37) Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone 38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out 39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart 40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In 41) You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too 42) You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd 43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat 44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life 45) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

- Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?

- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- What sort of trouble?

- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Went away?

- They disappeared.

- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- How do I tell?[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]

- Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?

- What's a sea-prompt?[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]

- Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?]

- Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- What's a monitor?

- It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- I don't know.

- Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?[sound of rustling and jostling][muffled]

- Yes, I think so.

- Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.[pause]

- Yes, it is.[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

- When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- No.

- Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.[muffled]

- Okay, here it is.

- Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.[still muffled]

- I can't reach.

- Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?[clear again]

- No.

- Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark.

- Dark?

- Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Well, turn on the office light then.

- I can't.

- No? Why not?

- Because there's a power outage.

- A power--!?!...[AAAAAAARGH!]

- A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

- Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Really? Is it that bad?

- Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

- What would you like to do next? - he asked.

- I wanna be weighed, - she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

- One-twelve, - said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

- I wanna be weighed, - she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked:

- What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?

- Wousy, - said the girl.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:1. He went into his father's business.2. He lived at home until the age of33.3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He never held a steady job.3. His last request was a drink.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:1. His first name was Jesus.2. He was always in trouble with the law.3. His mother wasn't married to his father.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:1. He talked with his hand.2. He had wine with every meal.3. He worked in the building trades.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:1. He called everybody brother.2. He had no permanent address.3. Nobody would hire him.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:1. He never cut his hair.2. He walked around barefoot.3. He invented a new religion.

Yo mama's so fat- Yo Mama's so fat, she couldn't fit in a satellite photo. - Yo Mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose - Yo Mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes - Yo Mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs - Yo Mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: "Free Willy! free Willy!" - Yo Mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code - Yo Mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise - Yo Mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... - Yo Mama's so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance. - Yo Mama's so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. - Yo Mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn" sign. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "One at a time, please." - Yo Mama's so fat, I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the rain, people run to her and yell "Taxi!" - Yo Mama's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. - Yo Mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. - Yo Mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. - Yo Mama's so fat, when she tripped on 10th St., she landed on 22nd St.. - Yo Mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. - Yo Mama's so fat, if she was a superhero, she would be "incredible bulk." - Yo Mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall. - Yo Mama's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts. - Yo Mama's so fat, she stepped on rainbow and made Skittles - Yo Mama's so fat, I guess we know what's eating Gilbert Grape. - Yo mama's so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud. - Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. - Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone. - Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale, and it said "GET THE HELL OFF!!" - Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds - Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on my cat's tail, now I call him "Beaver". - Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas. - Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed on top of her, I burned my ass on the light bulb. - Yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book. - Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. - Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side. - Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice, and got lost. - Yo mama's so fat, instead of wearing Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levis 1002's. - Yo mama's so fat, she's got more rolls than a bakery. - Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her as a new world. - Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade. - Yo mama's so fat, that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way. - Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her. - Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her, I have to slap her ass and ride the wave in. - Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time. - Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet. - Yo mama's so fat, she bumps into people when she's sitting down. - Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop. - Yo Mama's so fat, her butt has it's own congressmen. - Yo Mama's so fat, she needs a boomerang to wear a belt.

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

- No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

- Hello, I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold? - she said.

To which she heard the bartender say:

- Hey, Clarence, - I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!

Why are married women heavier than single women?
→ Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
→ He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
→ They won't stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
→ A Widow.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
→ His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
→ Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating Adam?
→ I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
→ "Practice makes perfect."

How are men and parking spots alike?
→ Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They are married.

Man says to God:

- God, why did you make woman so beautiful?

God says:

- So you would love her.

- But God - the man says.

- why did you make her so dumb?

God says:

- So she would love you.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me....

- We are all individuals. * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts....

On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Don't be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

• LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
• DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
• BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
• EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
• EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
• FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
• INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
• INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
• IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
• LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
• NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
• FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
• SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
• NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.