Most commented jokes

1. Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
7. What am I - flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. I'm just ignoring you.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of calories to burn off.
12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people realize I'm right.
16. Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location (a very rich area - expected around $200,000 in cash daily). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, "Where is my money." The man replied that he didn't know and said that he would find him. The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Big's office. Mr. Big said, "Where the fuck is my money?" The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said:

- What the fuck is this?

The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.

Mr. Big said:

- Do you know how to read sign language?

The man said, "No, but I'll find someone who can." He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same.

- Well - says Mr. Big.

- What did he say?

She says he said:

- Fuck You!

Mr. Big replied:

- You'd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you.

The girl asks him again, "Where is the money?" and the man again replied in sign language. "What did he say this time?" asked Mr. Big.

He said, "Fuck You, again". With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, "If he doesn't tell me where my money is, I'll cut off his head and throw him in the river!"

She told this to the man and this time he answered, "It's under the front seat of my car", again in sign language. "Well," asked Mr. Big, "What did he say this time?"

She replied:

- He said Fuck You!

Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making a double pun when they send their bill commanding "Please Pay Current Charges"?

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

- Marry him anyway, dear - the Mother said.

- Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is.

A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said:

- Your check came back.

The old man replied:

- So did my arthritis!

- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

- Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." Caution - Leave air holes.

- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

- There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

- The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks:

- What's up with these clocks?

St. Peter explains:

- Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains:

- Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks:

- What's the story with that clock?

- Oh, that - St. Peter replies.

- That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan!

- "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

- "All generalizations are false."

- "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

- "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

- "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

- "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

- Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

- "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."

- "Born Free. . . . . Taxed to Death"

- "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

- "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

- "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

- "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

- "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

- "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

- "REHAB is for quitters"

- "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

- "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

- "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

- "E. coli Happens"

- "Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!"

- "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

- "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

- "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"

- "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

- "Towers will be violated"

- "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

- "Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!"

- "End rape. Say 'Yes!'"

- "I KNOW JACK SHIT!"

- "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

- "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

- "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

- "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

- "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

- "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

- "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

- "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

- "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

- "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

- "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!"

- "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

- "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

- "Wink, I'll do the rest!"

- "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"

- "No Radio - Already Stolen"

- "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

- "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

- "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

- "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

- "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

- "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

- "Few women admit their age, Few men act it!"

- "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"

- "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

- "Assassins do it from behind!"

- "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"

- "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

- "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

- "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got."

- "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

- "Which came first? The woman or the department store?"

- "LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."

- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

- "LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."

- "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

- "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."

- "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

- "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

- "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

- "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

- "I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

- "First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"

- Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

- "Don't come knocking if the car is rocking"

- "Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"

- "Forget about World Peace..... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !"

- "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

- "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

- "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

- "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

- "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

- "He who laughs last thinks slowest"

- "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

- "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

- "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

- "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

- "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

- "i souport publik edekasion"

- "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

- "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."

- "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

- "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."

- "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

- "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

- "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

- "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."

- "2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

- "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

- "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

- "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

- "I is a college student."

- "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

- "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

- "Eschew obfuscation."

- "God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!"

- "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

- "CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason."

- "We're staying together for the sake of the cats."

- "It's been lovely, but I have to scream now."

- "My karma ran over your dogma."

- "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

- "I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily."

- "Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus."

- "Welcome to Texas, now go home."

- "It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you."

- "If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own."

- "Life's too short to dance with ugly men."

- "Life's too short to dance with ugly women."

- "My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her."

- "When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS)."

- "Beer isn't just for breakfast any more."

- "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

- "Will Rogers never met a lawyer."

- "Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton."

- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

- "Don't steal. The government hates competition."

- "Is there life before coffee?"

- "Never play leap frog with a unicorn."

- "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m"

- "The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful."

- "I Cayman went."

- "My other wife is beautiful."

- "I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?"

- "Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

- "Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle."

- "Nuke the unborn baby whales."

- "Geez if you belive in honkus."

- "Friends don't let friends drive naked."

- "Save California; when you leave take someone with you."

- "I came, I saw, I did a little shopping."

- "There's one in every crowd and they always find me."

- "If money could talk, it would say goodbye."

- "When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger."

- "Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats."

- "If it's too loud, you're too old."

- "The worst day fishing is better than the best day working."

- "Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing."

- "Who cares who's on board?"

- "Die Yuppie Scum."

- "Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it."

- "Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister."

- "Women make great leaders. You're following one now."

- "Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities."

- "Exxon Suxx."

- "Honk if you love cheeses."

- "Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist."

- "I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be."

- "So many pedestrians, so little time."

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

- Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

- Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.

(The daughter looks puzzled.)

- Mom: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

- Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

- Mom: Jewelry, dear.