Most commented jokes

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughterWho had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-lawAnd changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,Although it brought me joy,I soon became the fatherOf a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then becameA brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,Then that also made him brotherTo the widow's grown-up daughterWho, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's motherAnd it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,It simply drives me wild.

For now I have becomeThe strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,I am my own grandpa!

Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job.

One day, a woman comes to the stand:

- Hey, sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?

- I dont know - replies the stupid cashier.

The woman leaves unsatisfied.

THe boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams:

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!

- 10 cents? I will have to remember that - said the cashier.

The next day, another woman comes:

- hey sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?

- 10 cents ma'am

- Really?, are they fresh?

- I dont know

So the woman leaves.

The boss, having spied this screams:

- WELL OFCOURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?

So the cashier memorizes:

- Yes, very fresh

The next day, another woman comes and says:

- Hey sonny, now much do those cigaretts cost?

- 10 cents - He replies.

- Are they fresh?

- Very fresh

- Should I buy them?

- I dont know

So the woman leaves.

The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again:

- YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY 'If you dont, somebody else will' OK?

- ok, gotcha boss

So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun.

He goes up to the cash register and screams:

- HEY, how much money is in that cash register?

- 10 cents sir

- WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?

- Yes, very fresh sir

- SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?

- If you dont, somebody else will

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."6. "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."4. "Sorry about the mess..."3. "Look at the size of that thing!"2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

Two cannibals meet one day...

The first cannibal says:

- You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender.

The second cannibal asks:

- What kind of Missionary do you use?

The reply:

- You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.

- Ah, Ha! - the second cannibal replies.

- No wonder--those are fryers!

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing. A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

"What's brown and sticky? A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?

"Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.

What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of RoomWhat does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.

Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says...

"OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

- I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer:

- I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up:

- I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

- Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me! - she told him earnestly.

- Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes - he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She beganto massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked:

- Does that feel better?

The man looked up at her and replied:

- Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:--Responsibility makes me nervous.--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.

Couldn't work under those conditions.

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.--I'm a rabid typist.--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.

Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:B.......66I.......73L.......76L.......76G.......71A.......65T.......84E.......69S.......83........3--------------.......666 !!

Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence?

Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???

YOU decide!

Before you decide, consider the following:M S - D O S 6 . 2 177 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666W I N D O W S 9 587 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666Coincidence? I think not.

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.

The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said:

- You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her I'm coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that--I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt.

- Well I might try something like that - said John.

A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway.

- John! - says the doc.

- Haven't seen you in a while! How's those headaches?

- Great! They're all gone! Thanks for your advice! - said John.

- Hey, that's fantastic! - said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.

- Say, Doc! - yelled John, down the hall,

- Nice place you got there!