Most commented jokes

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...

- Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

- No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

- Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

- Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

- Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!

- Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."

- Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

- Embalming fluid bottle looks an awful lot like Colt 45 bottle.

- Toe tag paper cuts.

- The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

- Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

- Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs us money.

- At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

- Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

...and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...

Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says:

- I need a cigarette.

- But honey - his lover says.

- The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed.

- That's okay - He quips.

- I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue.

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.

The first nun walks over to the young man.

- Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser! - She exclaimed.

She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over.

- What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too. She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise.

- Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other:

- Just a minute, I'll be right back.

He goes into the confessional and says:

- Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.

The Father says:

- You need to say 40 Hail Marys, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.

The confessor replies:

- Yes Father, they were.

The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.

The man said:

- Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.

The priest responded:

- Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?

The man replied:

- No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!

The priest says:

- Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?

Exasperated the man said:

- No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!

The priest said:

- Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!

The man said:

- OK, fine. and left.

As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said:

- So, how did it go?

The confessor said:

- Great! 6 months off, and two leads!

What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?
→ Hey... Nice Tits!!!

The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who's president earned his MBA from UCLA, "How much will your company charge for this project?"

- 2 million - said Bruin.

- 1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.

Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered:

- 3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits.

Finally, the president asks the last company, Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered:

- 4 million.

- FOUR MILLION - yelled the president of ABC.

- How do you breakdown the cost?

Trojan replied:

- 1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife:

- Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?

The farmer's wife replied:

- It needs to be a little bigger around.

So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again:

- How does it feel now?

The farmer's wife responded:

- I think it needs to be a little longer.

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife:

- How was the Martian man?

To this, the farmer's wife replied:

- Fine.

- And how about the Martian woman?

The farmer replied:

- That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!

Cinderella REALLY wanted to go to Prince Charming's ball, but as you know the evil stepsisiers and stepmother will not let her. So they leave her all alone on the big night, cleaning the place.

- Oh, how I wish I could go! - Cinderella sighed.

No sooner had she said this than her Fairy Godmother appeared, holding a long, beautiful white dress.

- Here, god-child - the fairy said.

- try this on.

So Cinderella puts the thing on, and it fits perfectly, except she notices some red drops on the white fabric.

- Dammit - Cinderella said.

- of all the lousy nights to get my period!

So the God mother presents her with a magic Tampon to solve the problem, but the tampon has a warning on it:

- Please return to the house by midnight or the tampon will be turned into a pumpkin.

Cinderella puts it in her and goes to the Ball.

Meanwhile, the Fairy Godmother awaits Cinderella's return. 10 o'clock -- 11 o'clock -- 12 o'clock -- 1 o'clock

Finally, at around 3 in the morning, a very out of breath Cinderella stumbles in.

- My God! What happened to you? What about the tampon? What about the prince?

- Forget the prince - Cinderella sighed.

- At around one o'clock I met the most amazing guy...

Peter Peter something...

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

- A magic potion - she replies.

- Well what does it for - he asks.

- This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.

He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

- Well - she asks.

- How has your game been?

- Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game.

- And how about your sex life?

- Oh, not bad.

- Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?

- Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times.

- And you call that not bad?

- Not for a priest with a small parish.

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says:

- See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one! The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike:

- See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says:

- You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl:

- Well, what do you have to say NOW?

So she pulls up her dress and says:

- My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

1. The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.
2. Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.
3. Whine convincingly.
4. Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache.
5. Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.

And now, some excuses:

- I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.

- The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.

- I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.

- The car ran out of gas.

- Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.

- He started it.

- I have jet lag.

- I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.

- I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.

- I missed the bus.

- The alarm didn't go off.

- I couldn't find a parking space.

- The Devil made me do it.

- Drugs made me do it.

- Everybody else does it.

- That's not my department.

- Our computer's down.

- We must have misplaced your original request.

- It's on someone elses desk.

- Don't ask me - I just work here.