Most commented jokes

A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.

The woman on the other end of the phone said:

- My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can't get them apart.

The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.

She said:

- Yes, but it didn't work.

He said:

- Did you try hitting them with a broom.

She said:

- Yes, but that didn't work either.

He then said:

- Well Ma'am here's what you do. Hang up. I'll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.

She said:

- Do you really think that will work?

He said:

- Well it just did for me!

Little Johnny is walking with his father in the park and they see two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. Little Johnny not understanding what the dogs are doing asks his father:

- Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?

To which the father replies:

- They are making a puppy!

Later that night Johnny wakes up and walks down the hall to his parents bedroom and catches his mother and father making love. Johnny asks his father:

- Daddy what are you and mommy doing?

To which the father replies:

- Johnny we are making you a little sister.

Johnny thinks for a few moments and responds:

- Well, daddy could you roll her over? I'd rather have a puppy!

Which condom would you use?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."

Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what's that?"

New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That's right."

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."

Neighbor 1: "Right again."

New Neighbor: "Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife."

Neighbor 1: "Correct."

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."

Neighbor 1: "Yup."

New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."

Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day:Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."

Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."

Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah, what does he do?"

Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2: "No."

Neighbor 1: "Fag!"

What do you have when you combine 50 women with a yeast infection in a room with 50 women suffering from PMS?--A wine & cheese party!

Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter...

The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith's breasts make when she walks.

BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.

Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.

Finally, a chance to say:

- Yeah, but it's a dry cold.

Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.

You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.

Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities.

No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks.

Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone else's toasty-warm glove-clad hands.

Flashers stick to describing themselves.

Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for elicit affairs.

When it's 10 below, nobody gives a rat's ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape.

With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.

The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!and the Number 1 Good Thing About a Cold Winter...

Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain_____________________________________________________________________________________________Number of years married________If less than your age,Explain__________________________________________________________________________________________________Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring,or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Church you attend______________________________________ How often you attend_______When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, andpriest?_____________Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone EVER)A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be__________________________________________________________B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________________________________________________________C: A woman's place is in the__________________________________________________________D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________________________________________________E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is__________________________________________________________NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up__________________________________________________________________________What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE(circleone)I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE._______________________________________Signature (that means sign your name moron)Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

- OK, follow me, - he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

- Now, do you see that tree over there? - he asked.

- YES, YES, YES!! - the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

- Good! - said the first bat.

- Because I fucking didn't!

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife:

- You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we're going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled:

- Bell 1, - and his wife took off all here clothes.

- Bell 2, - and his wife jumped into bed.

- Bell3, - and they began to screw.

After 2 minutes his wife yelled:

- Bell 4.

- What's this Bell 4? - asked her husband.

- More hose, - she replied,

- You're nowhere near the fire!

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.

Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.

After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.

The artist said:

- You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts, - he explained.

- That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?'