Most commented jokes

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy putt. He shouted:

- Damn, missed again.

The nun, shocked, warned him:

- God will get you for that.

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed:

- Damn It! Missed again - the nun repeated her warning:

- God will get you for that!

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out:

- Damn It! Missed again!.

Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied:

- Heck no sister, you nuns and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!

The nun said:

- Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa - then the nun whispers - She has the constipation.

The clerk said:

- Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have.

The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave.

A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says:

- You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says:

- You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!

Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage? The wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!"

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.

He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

- Well - said the demon - the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

Imagine the trademarks:

- Nike Condoms: Just do It

- Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

- Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

- Sony Condoms: Do not underestimate the power of Sony

- Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

- KFC Condoms: Finger Licking Good

- M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands

- Coca-Cola Condom: The Real Thing

- Ever-Ready Condoms: Keep going and going

- Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple

- Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do.

To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

- M: I know how to please a woman.

- W: Then please leave me alone.

- M: I want to give myself to you.

- W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- M: Your hair color is fabulous.

- W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

- M: You look like a dream.

- W: Go back to sleep.

- M: I can tell that you want me.

- W: Yes, I want you to leave.

- M: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.

- M: Your body is like a temple.

- W: Sorry, there are no services today.

- M: Is this seat empty?

- W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- M: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

- W: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

- M: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- W: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said:

- I was looking for Sex.

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said:

- I would like to have one too! When I said:

- But this is a dog - he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said:

- You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old.

He replied:

- You must have been a strong boy.

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said:

- But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said:

- You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night - and the clerk said - Me too.

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said:

- Show off!

I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said:

- Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married - and the Judge said - Me too.

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said:

- Me too.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me:

- What seems to be the trouble?

I replied:

- Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely.

The doctor said:

- Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
→ They go into town, and blow a few bucks.