Most commented jokes

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)

- Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks:

- Who was that?

- Oh - she replies.

- That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.

Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.

So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom:

- Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock.

Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around.

- Where's the clock sir? - she asked.

Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants.

- That's not a clock Mr. Clinton ! - she exclaimed.

- It will be - he replied.

- Once you put two hands and a face on it !.

Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep.

PC all set to download a file, and send the mail in a little while.

Then gather the news before the dawn, and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool; Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.

Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff; CD to play some, then cutoff.

Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate; Carport lite on, for son who's late.

Mr. Coffee all set to percolate; Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.

Air purifier cleans each hour tonite; Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows.

Motion detectors on, to check what moves; White noise machine set to seaside soothes.

Camcorder is ready to film in a flash, Blender's all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain; Keep lightning away should it rain.

Let no errant shock reset it all; Watch over the breaker box in the hall.

I'm wide awake now from all this hassle; God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

(Author Unknown)

What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now?
→ Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS...

They buried the bishop the next day.

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling:

- We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.

So, the females yelled at the male parrots:

- We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

One male parrot said to the other:

- Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said:

- I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying:

- I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said:

- I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked:

- Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But....

The priest replied:

- Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said:

- Better than pork, isn't it?

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

- Black pepper, or white pepper? - asked the concierge.

- Toilette pepper!