Most commented jokes

Great truths about life:

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks:

- What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says:

- Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying:

- What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says:

- Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states:

- It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?

The drunk replies:

- Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!

What does a blonde do after waking up?
→ Go Home.
→ Introduce herself to the guy on the bed.

What was the pirate movie rated?
→ ARRRRRRR

What do you call a mother cow that lost her calf?
→ "Decafinated"

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries:

- I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!

- Very well, then - says God, let us see how Jesus fared.

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters:

- But how?! How did he do that?!

God chuckles:

- Jesus Saves!

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
→ "We'd better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts!!"

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

- Listen to this - he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.

- Yeah - his wife nodded, and it has your weight wrong, too!

Why did the blonde have lipstick on her stearing wheel?
→ She was trying to blow the horn!

How does the brain communicate with the nerves?
→ With a Cell phone!