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Somewhere in America, next week...

- Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.

- Son: What's up, Dad?

- Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

- Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

- Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

- Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

- Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

- Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

- Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

- Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

- Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

- Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?

- Son: No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

- Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?

- Son: From The President of the United States.

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  • PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
  • ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
  • APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
  • SCSI - System Can't See It
  • BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
  • IBM - I Blame Microsoft
  • CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
  • OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
  • WWW - World Wide Wait
  • MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
  • PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
  • COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
  • WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
  • MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
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  1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
  3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
  4. A man complaining to a friend:

- I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!

- What happened? - asked the friend.

- Ahhh my wife found out!

  1. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
  2. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
  3. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:

- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!

Martha responds excitedly:

- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!

The man responds:

- I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!

  1. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
  2. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
  3. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?
  4. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.
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