What do you get if you all sit under a cow?
→ A pat on the head!
What's the best way to make a bull sweat?
→ Put him in a tight jumper!
What do you call a pig that took a plane?
→ Swine flu!
What kind of doctor treats ducks?
→ A quack!
What did the well mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate?
→ Afer ewe!
Why did the bull rush?
→ Because it saw the cow slip!
What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
→ A battery hen!
What do you call an arctic cow?
→ An eskimoo!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
→ A brick-layer!
How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
→ Build a sty-scraper!
Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo?
→ Because he'd rather go to the movies!
What's blue and has big ears?
→ An elephant at the North Pole!
What's grey and lights up?
→ An electric elephant!
What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?
→ An umbrellaphant!
What do you do with a green elephant?
→ Wait till it ripens!
Why did the elephant walk on two feet?
→ To give the ants a chance!
Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they've no pockets to put things in!
Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain?
→ To stop getting wet!
What do elephants do in the evenings?
→ Watch elevision!
How to elephants talk to each other?
→ By 'elephone!
What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
→ Russell!
A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn.
- Why are you doing that? - asked his neighbour.
- It's to keep the elephants off the grass - he replied.
- But we don't get elephants round here!
- I know - good stuff isn't it!
What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater?
→ Warren!
What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater?
What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
→ Sir!
What can an elephant with a machine gun call you?
→ Anything he likes!
What do you call an elephant that's small and pink?
→ A failure!
What is stronger an elephant or a snail?
→ A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk!
What do you give an elephant with big feet?
→ Plenty of room!
Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
→ Because of all the cheetahs!
What do you call a elephant that never washes?
→ A smellyphant!
- Teacher: Where would you find an elephant?
- Pupil: You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!
What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear?
→ Anything you want as he can't hear you!
- Teacher: To which family does the elephant belong?
- Pupil: I don't know, nobody I know owns one!
How do you hire an elephant?
→ Stand it on four bricks!
What is the easy way to get a wild elephant?
→ Get a tame one and annoy it!
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
→ Here come the elephants!
Why is an elephant braver than a hen?
→ Because the elephant isn't chicken!
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
→ Raining elephants!
What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
→ An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!
What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old?
→ Six weeks old!
What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
→ This is the end of me!
- Policeman: One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.
- Zoo Keeper: Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!
Why do the elephants have short tails?
→ Because they can't remember long stories!
Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet?
→ He wrecked three cars, a bus and two fire engines!
Why do elephants eat raw food?
→ Because they don't know how to cook!
Why did the elephant eat the candle?
→ For light refreshment!
How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert?
→ You get very lumpy ice cream!
What kind of elephants live in Antartica?
→ Cold ones!
What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather?
→ One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!
What's the difference between an elephant and a post box?
→ I don't know!
→ Well I'm not asking you to post my letters!
What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil?
→ One rarely bites and the other barely writes!
How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse?
→ Try picking them up!
What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
→ So he could hide in the cherry tree!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
→ Big holes all over Australia!
What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
→ One is a weak one and the other one week!
What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?
→ Trunkquilizers!
Why are elephants grey?
→ So you can tell them from flamingos!
What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
→ The tusk fairy!
What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
→ An elephant with spare parts!
What's grey but turns red?
→ An embarrassed elephant!
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
→ Cinderelephant!
When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
→ When it's a baby elephant!
What's grey, has four legs and jumps up and down?
→ An elephant on a trampoline!
What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
→ An elephant with hiccups!
What's grey and goes round and round?
→ An elephant in a washing machine!
What's grey and highly dangerous?
→ An elephant with a machine gun!
What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland?
→ The Loch Ness Elephant!
What's big and grey with horns?
→ An elephant marching band!
What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside?
→ An elephant disguised as a banana!
What's big, grey and flies straight up?
→ An elecopter!
What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?
→ A get wellephant!
What's grey and never needs ironing?
→ A drip dry elephant!
What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
→ Time to fix the fence!
What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet?
→ An elephant with an umbrella!
What's grey with red spots?
→ An elephant with the measles!
Why does an elephant wear sneakers?
→ So that he can sneak up on mice!
What's big and grey and wears a mask?
→ The elephantom of the opera!
What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table?
→ He gets splinters in his mouth!
What kind of dog chases anything red?
→ A bull dog!
What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals?
→ A guard dog!
What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater?
→ A plain clothes police dog!
What do you get if you cross a dog and a skunk?
→ Rid of the dog!
What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
→ Cockerpoodledoo!
What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories?
→ A shaggy dogs tale!
Why do dogs run in circles?
→ Because its hard to run in squares!
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
→ Terrier-fied!
What do you get if you cross a gun dog with a telephone?
→ A golden receiver!
What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog?
→ Chump chops!
How many seasons are there in a dogs life?
→ Just one, the moulting season!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!
Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?
→ Because they mess up the whole house!
How do you stop a dog smelling?
→ Put a peg on it's nose!
Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?
→ Cats can't drive!
What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?
→ A mutt in a rut!
What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole?
→ A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!
What do you call a happy Lassie?
→ A jolly collie!
What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
→ A dingo-ling!
What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
→ A dog that chases cars - and catches them!
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
→ You can step in a poodle!
What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
→ A petticoat!
What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
→ A terrified postman!
What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
→ His bark was much worse than it's bite!
What is a dog's favorite sport?
→ Formula 1 drooling!
What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?
→ A Great Dane out!
Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
→ Anywhere it wants to!
What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy?
→ "I must throw that doggie out the window!"
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
→ A bloodhound!
What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?
→ A jet setter!
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
→ Puppy dogs!
Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle?
→ Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher!
Where do Eskimos train their dogs?
→ In the mush room!
Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
→ Because frost bites!
Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
→ Because you can't bury them in trees!
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
→ He was trying to make both ends meet!
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
→ A collie-flower!
Why do dogs wag their tails?
→ "Because no one else will do it for them!"
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
→ Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
→ Fry-day!
What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
→ It eggs-plodes!
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
→ He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!
Is chicken soup good for your health?
→ Not if you're the chicken!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To get to the other side!
