What kind of money to polo bears use?
→ Ice lolly!
Have you ever hunted bear?
→ No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!
How do you start a teddy bear race?
→ Ready, teddy, go!
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
→ A bear faced lyre!
Why do bears have fur coats?
→ Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!
Where do ants go to eat?
→ At a restaurant!
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
→ Antteneye!
What do you call an ant with frogs legs?
→ An antphibian!
What kind of ants are very learned?
→ Pedants!
What do you call a smart ant?
→ Elegant!
What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle?
→ Your great-ant!
Who was the most famous ant scientist?
→ Albert Antstein!
What games to ants play with elephants?
→ Squash!
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
→ An antique!
What kind of ant can you colour with?
→ A crayant!
Where do ants go for their holidays?
→ Frants!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
→ A truant!
What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
→ All sorts of antics!
What do you call a greedy ant?
→ An anteater!
Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
→ To trip up the ants!
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"…
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins:
- Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?
Wilkins replied:
- I don't know and I don't care!
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
He told his friends:
- I was the James Bond type of player.
- I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.
His wife added:
- Batted .007.
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
→ All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
→ They prefer cricket matches!
What stories are told by basketball players?
→ Tall stories!
Who won the race between two balls of string?
→ They were tied!
Why are football players never asked for dinner?
→ Because they're always dribbling!
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
→ Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
What's tennis players favourite city?
→ Volley wood!
How does a physicist exercise?
→ By pumping ion!
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
→ Because education pays off in the long run!
What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
→ Jog-raphy!
What lights up a football stadium?
→ A football match!
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
→ Cornflakes!
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
→ Because there is no atmosphere!
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
→ Webley stadium!
When fish play football, who is the captain?
→ The team's kipper!
Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
→ It's an appointment!
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
→ They got jellygated!
Which insect didn't play well in goal?
→ The fumble bee!
What did the bumble bee striker say?
→ Hive scored!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
→ A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
→ Sorry, it was a freak hic!
Why are football grounds odd?
→ Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
→ A flat back four!
Why did the goal post get angry?
→ Because the bar was rattled!
What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
→ Fiver side!
What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
→ Cold Trafford!
How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
→ Somebody took a corner!
Why didn't the dog want to play football?
→ It was a boxer!
What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
→ The champire!
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
→ Paul gas coin!
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
→ They might be cheetahs!
- Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player.
- Fan: Why's that?
- Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
Why do artists never win when they play football?
→ They keep drawing!
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
→ So that they can pack the defence!
Where do old bowling balls end up?
Where do religious school children practice sports?
→ In the prayground!
How did the basketball court get wet?
→ The players dribbled all over it!
Why did the chicken get sent off?
→ For persistent fowl play!
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
→ It was a cup draw!
Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
→ The bored room!
The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)
Tonya Harding Presents...
Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?
Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?
Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you? Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the......
Tonya Harding Center For Opponent Neutralization
That's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic…
Reasons why a normal Car is a far superior vehicle than a F1 Car
Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG!!!!
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
- Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t? - she asked the instructor.
- P-u-t-t is correct - he replied.
- Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself:
- It's not a ship.
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks:
- It's not a boat.
The speck gets even closer and he thinks:
- It's not a raft.
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says:
- How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?
- Ten years! - he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says:
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
- Bad day at the course? - his wife asked.
- Everything was going fine - he said.
- Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.
- Oh, that's awful!
- You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the…
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a…
Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date:
- I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
- I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
- I used to come here all the time with my ex.
- Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
- I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
- It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
Reasons computers must be male
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- A better model is always just around the corner.
- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
- It is always necessary to have a backup.
- They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
- The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
- The lights are on but nobody's home.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
→ We cook/they eat, we clean/they dirty, we iron/they wrinkle!
