Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world" there.

Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and said "May I have one of those ?"

The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of those bastards ?"

Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
→ They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you get when you cross the Pillsbury Dough Boy with a blonde?
→ A whiney bitch with a yeast infection

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret, girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad orangry, we meant the other way.
4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
→ A rumor

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman hollering on the back porch?
→ If you let them both inside, the dog will stop barking.