Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

- America's oldest lady was 115 years old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her head.

- How come?

- She's completely bald.

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:

• If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.
• Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
• Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.
• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.
• ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
• Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
• No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.
• Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.
• Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
• "Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.
• A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
• Check your oil.
• Don't give us rules.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
• Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 2 days.
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
• Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

How do you Scare a Man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
→ Exchange him.

What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
→ A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

How do you get a man to exercise?
→ Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know. It's never happened.

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
→ Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.

What is a man's idea of safe sex?
→ A padded headboard.

Men are like vacations....
→ they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers....
→ hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers....
→ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like horoscopes....
→ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers....
→ they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like laxatives....
→ they irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like parking spots....
→ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Why are men like lawnmowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.

Why are men like tile floors?
→ If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.

Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
→ "How come?"

What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
→ They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
→ S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
→ Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
→ A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
→ The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
→ A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
→ There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
→ Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
→ If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
→ Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
→ A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
→ One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One ... Men will screw anything.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies.

They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

- Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: What sign were you born under?

- Woman: No Parking.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then please leave me alone.

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner.

If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.

If they pay for dinner, you are using them.

If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.

If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.

If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.

If they want sex, they won't let you sleep.

If you want sex, they won't wake up.

If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.

If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.

If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don't like their friends.

Difference Between A Computer And A Woman:
→ A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

In the 1970's, before women were allowed to sign up for combat duty, a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.

"But, wait a minute," said one listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?" asked his friend.

The man shrugged and replied, "But who will tell?"

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said "White".

The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, "Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can't help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?"

The woman replied, "I'm sorry to say, but that's the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him..."

Why did God create women?
→ To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.