Travel Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own croc!" to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two 'ole boys' who are doing the same!" So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the 'ole boys,'" he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

- Room Service: Morny. Ruin sorbees.

- Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

- RS: Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??

- Guest: Uh..yes.. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

- RS: Ow July den?

- G: What??

- RS: Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?

- G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.

- RS: Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?

- G: Crisp will be fine

- RS: Hokay. An San tos?

- G: What?

- RS: San tos. July San tos?

- G: I don't think so

- RS: No? Judo one toes??

- G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means.

- RS: Toes! toes!.. Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlishmopping we bother?

- G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

- RS: We bother?

- G: No..just put the bother on the side.

- RS: Wad?

- G: I mean butter - just put it on the side.

- RS: Copy?

- G: Sorry?

- RS: Copy...tea...mill?

- G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.

- RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honeysigh, and copy....rye??

- G: Whatever you say.

- RS: Tendjewberrymud

- G: You're welcome

Have a good day

Helpful advice for travellers: If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you.

BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at the SAME TIME with a bomb?

They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.

It's called Genitalia.

The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard to say quite excitedly a number of times, "I just can't believe that we're finally married Kenny."

After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the dark, "God dammit Kenny !!! Will you please convince her so's we can all get some sleep ???"

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.

"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, Bitch."

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."

Safest Way to Drive Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American drivinghabits, offers the following advice:The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directlyproportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one'sexposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirdsare caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.