Situations — most viewed jokes

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas

One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him "Paper or Plastic" and the man said, "Uh...paper I guess."

Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35. The man took out his wallet and said "Real or Counterfeit".

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make." And she says, "So have I, love." To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks!"

- How come the Board of Health hasn't come in and closed you up?

- They're afraid to eat here.

- Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter?

- Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar.

two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation. the bald guy says he cant afford it. so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares. (hairs)

How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel!

How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None: only the inner light matters.