Situations — most viewed jokes

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar!'"

"So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer. "And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?"

"Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another." replied Paddy.

"And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!"

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
"It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing." she kept repeating dazedly.

"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away."

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die."

That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out.

When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place."

When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.

A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the "Up" arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.

The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma."

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

There are three guys named Manners, Shutup, and Crap.

They were really bored, so they decided to run a race. During the race, Crap fell down, and Manners stopped to help him. But Shutup ran so fast the police caught him. Here's how the conversation went:

- Police Officer #1: What's your name?

- Shutup: Shutup.

- Police Officer #2: Where's your manners?

- Shutup: Back there picking up Crap!

"Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the owner asked the vet.
The vet replied, "You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too!"

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

• Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
  Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
• Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
• Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
  Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
• Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
• The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
• Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
• First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
• Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
• Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
• Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
• Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
  Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
• The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
• Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
  Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
• Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
• Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
• Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
• Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"

"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."

"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"

"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"

"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything"

"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."