Situations — most viewed jokes

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.

Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

Chicago Tribune

William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.

"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod. In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful. As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too."

"That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone."

Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!"

The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

1. Only in America...... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America...... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.

"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug."

After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!"

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.

Apparently, just to anger him.