Situations — most viewed jokes

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, "Got any fresh fruit?"

"No."

"Got any fresh vegetables?"

"No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns.

"Got any fresh fruit?"

"No."

"Got any fresh vegetables?"

"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any fresh fruit?"

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests?" asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

• Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
• 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

• Men do 29% of laundry each week.
• Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
• 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
• 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
• 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
• 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
• 91% of us lie regularly.
• 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
• 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
• 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
• 90% believe in divine retribution.
• 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
• 82% believe in an afterlife.
• 45% believe in ghosts.
• 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
• 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
• 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

• Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
• 35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million?

• 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church.
• 7% would murder.
• 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

• When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
• 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
• 70% of us drink orange juice daily.

• Snickers is the most popular candy.
• 22% of us skip lunch daily.
• 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
• 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
• 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
• 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

• Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
• 45% use mouthwash every day.
• 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

• The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
• Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
• 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
• 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
• 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
• 33% of women lie about their weight.
• 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
• 57% have had deja vu.
• 49% believe in ESP.
• 44% have broken a bone.

• Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
• 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
• 15% regularly go to a shrink.
• 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
• 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
• 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
• 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
• 17% have been caught by the host.
• 29% of us ignore RSVP.
• 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
• 22% are functionally illiterate.

• Less than 10% are trilingual.
• 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
• 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
• 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
• 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
• 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
• 40% of us have had music lessons.
• 44% reuse tinfoil.
• 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
• 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
• 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
• 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
• 59% of us say we're average-looking.

• Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
• 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
• 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
• 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

• On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
• 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
• 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

• The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

• Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
• 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
• 6% propose over the phone.
• 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
• 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
• 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
• 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
• 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
• 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
• 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
• 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

The most dangerous organization in America today is:
a) The KKK
b) The American Nazi Party
c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."