Situations — most viewed jokes

There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the future.

In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred from facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.

These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.

In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.

Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other alphabets in the world.

The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin alphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating Russian into Polish.

Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus a verb at the end, of course.

Sorry Texans....

A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned to his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his coyotes was caught in a trap.

"How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma game warden.

"Well," replied the Texas game warden, "He's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped!"

Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, "Hey, who turned off the heater!"

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords:

• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
• I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.
• This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
• The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
• I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
• The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
• Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
• Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
• Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
• Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
• Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
• I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
• When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.

How to write a paper1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.9. Listen to your favourite cd and that's it, I mean it, assoon as it's over you are going to start that paper.10. Listen to your other favourite cd.11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.13. Sit in a straight, comfortale chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savorits special flavor.15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench- coated strangers lurking in the hall.22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.26. Leap up and write the paper.