Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

- Well, yes, I actually did once.

- And how did your husband look?

- Angry, very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us!"

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks, "Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?"

"Worse," says the doctor. "It's frostbite!"

For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.

During the last trimester, you do it wolf style. "What the heck is wolf style?" you ask. That's when you sit by the hole and howl!

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

John receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

- John: "hmmm... Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?"

- Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

- John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?"

- Susan: "Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

- John: "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"

What's the difference between sin and shame?
→ It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

- Emersom.

- Emersom who?

- Emersom nice boobs ya got there!

Two girls were roommates.

One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the way to the bathroom.

She yelled, "Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!"

Tillie didn't know anything about the date and said so.

Millie explained that she'd met two really great looking guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening.

Tillie said, "I'm not going out on any more blind dates."

"Why not?"

"They're always the same," said Tillie, "It's sex, sex, sex! Nothing but a pain in the ass!"

Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, "Honey, you're doing it wrong!"

1. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2. How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
8. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
9. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11. Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12. The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"
13. The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
14. Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
15. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
→ Way to go team.