Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why don't Blondes use vibrators anymore?
→ Because they keep chipping their teeth !!!

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
→ When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!

Boss asks secretary "Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?"

"No", says the secretary.

"Great, Let's do lunch." the boss says.

Why doesn't Santa have any children?
→ Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

It's a bummer to be an egg because...

1. You only get laid once.
2. You only get eaten once.
3. It takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 others.
5. The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
→ Because so many men fake foreplay.

Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex"?

Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear, "Your sister has a tighter pussy than you", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

Making Coffee

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a Carpet

Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Hanging Wallpaper

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting Up a Tent

Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

Washing a Car

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

Being in Therapy

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Being in a Crash

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Going Fishing

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?
→ A Lickalotapuss!

What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
→ A licker cabinet.

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
→ A Klondyke.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
→ Militia Etheridge.

Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
→ Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
→ So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
→ Fur Traders.

What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
→ A Lickalotapuss.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
→ Well Hung.

What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
→ Fingerpaint.

What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
→ POTPOURRI.

What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?
→ See you next month.

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
→ She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
→ Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

Do you know what drag is?
→ It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

What do you call lesbian twins?
→ Lick-a-likes.

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
→ She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

What's the definition of confusion?
→ Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
→ One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!