Sex Jokes — most viewed jokes

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.

The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

- Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head.

- Jesus Christ! What happened?

- He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!

- Yeah, then what?

- Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?

What are 3 problems about being an egg?
→ You only get laid once, the only woman to sit on your face is your mother, and it takes 4 minutes to get hard.

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"

There was this little boy who went in the whore house with a dead frog on a leash. He went to the counter and asked the pimp for a whore with aids, the man knew he was young but the boy said "please mister, just give me a whore with aids, i have money thats no problem" the man was like ok "if you have the money". So the boy went in and fucked the whore and came out smiling to the man at the counter. The guy didn't understnad why he was so happy. "its a long story" the boy said. "tell me, i can wait" hte man said impaciently. "ok" the boy says "i have aids now right? well--i'll go home and screw the babysitter...she'll get aids, then my dad will come homw and screw her...he'll get aids, my dad will screw my mom...she'll get aids.

Then my mom will then screw the milk man.....and he's the son of a bitch that ran over my frog!"

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked how big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big." She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want to get laid."

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

"Smitty," says Harry, "what the hell are you doing?"

Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude!"

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, "Up, or down?". The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife, "Up, or down?" She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for 2 glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again... "Up, or down?" His wife says, "What?". To which he replies, "During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long." The wife says, "Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown!'".

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."