Military Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you sink a polish battleship?
→ Put it in water!

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of NavalOperations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS #1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"

A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.

Then he asks, "Can I do this every day?".

"Yes, every day, except Wednesdays".

"Why not on Wednesdays?"

"Wednesdays is YOUR turn inside the barrel!"

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this."

Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!" And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

During the Mexican American War, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances.

Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled, "Hey, Juan!"

A soldier jumped up and replied, "What?" The general shot him dead.
This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out, "Hey, John!"

An American replied, "John isn't here. Is that you Juan?"

The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah" . . .

Q&A's about Salami Bin Coward & the Talibuttheads:

Why does Salami Bin Coward carry a Turd in his pocket?
→ It's his photo ID.

What do Salami Bin Coward and Hiroshima have in common?
→ Nothing - "yet".

How do you play Talibutthead bingo?
→ B-52... F-16... B-1...

What is the Talibuttheads national bird?
→ Duck.

How is Salami Bin Coward like Fred Flintstone?
→ Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

What does Salami Bin Coward and General Custer have in common?
→ They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

What's the difference between the Talibuttheads and a bucket of crap?
→ The bucket.

What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
→ Two days.

Why don't Salami Bin Coward's people eat turd sandwiches?
→ They hate bread.

Why don't the Talibuttheads have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
→ The camels can't handle it.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy.

What goes cackle, cackle, boom?
→ A witch in a minefield.

What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you?
→ Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.