Military Jokes — most viewed jokes

The company sergent is briefing the recruits:"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so youknow what that makes you..."

The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully: "Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men."

"What is it?" the officer got interested.

"Two hundred soldiers."

Why did congress enact the Marine Corps?
→ So, the sailors would have someone to dance with!

What goes eek, eek, bang?
→ A mouse in a minefield!

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend.

The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "Sure."

The Corporal turned red. He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advisednew recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this,the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, thegovernment has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don'thave a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government onlyhas to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to sendinto battle first?"

GET OUT YOUR 'PORTABLE HAND-HELD COMMUNICATIONS INSCRIBERS'

WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand-held communications inscriber," says a Republican senator.

An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.

A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"

"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.

If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."