Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

Our library has so many books they had to put it in a multi-story building.

I knew a prisoner who crowded his roommates terribly by building a huge aquarium in their room. It was just plain cell-fish of him!

Smoke dynamite... it'll really blow your mind.

Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim.

My camera is broken. But, I won't have a negative attitude - I'll take it to the repair shop and see what develops. People think I broke it but the crime isn't so black and white. Ah, I get the picture - I'm being framed!

A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive blood." The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here!"

Did you hear about the guy who gave narcotics to seagulls?
→ He left no tern unstoned.

If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove, do you get foam on the range?

My cat got stolen. I think it was taken by a purr snatcher.

Two men walked into a bar.

You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

What kind of ear does a train have?
→ an Engineer

Name a clock, a jock and a crock.
→ Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.

Spell mousetrap with three letters.
→ C-A-T

What is the difference between a banana and a bell?
→ You can only peel (peal) the banana once.

- Teacher: Fred, give me a sentence starting with "I."

- Fred: I is . . .

- Teacher: No, Fred. You must always say "I am."

- Fred: Oh, right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- C-2

- C-2 who?

- C-2 it that you don't forget my name next time!

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
→ Kids won't eat broccoli.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
→ I don't know and I don't care.

What's the difference between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother?
→ One is Moscow, the other is cow's ma.

Where did the vegetables go to get drunk?
→ The Salad Bar.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
→ Ugly sheep.

Where does a one-armed man shop?
→ At a second hand store.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
→ Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck?
→ The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.

Who delivers puppies when the Vet isn't available?
→ The mid woof.

Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?
→ Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn't?
→ Because he was a little more on.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To prove to the opossum it could be done.

LIFE UNDER THE SEA

What is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates it's not so perfect down there.

There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it's flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.

One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.

Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff's clam. The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. But what's really shad about the story is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row...