Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it. - William Faulkner
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87. - Steve Martin
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know. - Mel Brooks
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. - Robert Benchley
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction. - William Faulkner
The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. - Robert Benchley

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
→ You take me for grunted.

Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto.

As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked, "Did you miss me?"

I replied quite innocently, "It's been so hard without you."

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize." As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

What is a buttress?
→ A female goat.

As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid.

"What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate.

"Surely," said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'"

- Teacher: R-O-X does spell rocks?

- Pupil: What does it spell then!

Can you spell jealousy with two letters?
→ NV (envy).

What is the difference between a fly and a bird?
→ A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin