Bar Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka." The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that." The man says "Just pour them."

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it"? The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles."

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says "Hey great, have another on the house."

The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!"

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

An insect falls into a mug of beer.

English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.

American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.

Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.

Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.

Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman "Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?"

Sign seen in a bar:

"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

How do barmen surf the web?
→ On the Gin-ternet.

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.

The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, "Brrr!".

The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, "Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!"

The gremlin says, "Ain't got none!"

"Well, I'll cut off yer prick!"

"Ain't got one of them, neither." says the gremlin.

"Well, how do ya pee?"

The gremlin smiled and said, "Brrr!"

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer. A big man comes in, taps him on his shoulder, and says, "You're sitting in my seat!"

The same Spanish man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again taps him on his shoulder, and tells him he's sitting in his seat.

The same Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. "I don't see your name on it."

He sits down again and orders still another beer. "The man says... I know Karate!"

The small Latino man says, "I know JUDO! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A GUN! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A KNIFE!"

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!"

The bartender does nothing.

So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.

"Jesus! He just jumped again!"

The bartender ignores the man.

So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.

"How did you survive that jump?"..

"I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float."

So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...

SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!

The Bartender then says, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."