Bar Jokes — most viewed jokes

two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation. the bald guy says he cant afford it. so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares. (hairs)

Grant's Bar and Casino:
Liquor in the front,
Poker in the rear.

A bloke walks into a pub with a frog on his head. The bar attendant asks, "What's that on your head?"

The frog says, "I don't know, it started out as a wart on my bum!"

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "80."

The robot then said, "So, how are things in Poland these days?"

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."

"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror. If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror.

"I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar." And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.

Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, "I think I'm the smartest person in this bar." And she gets a million dollars.

Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, "I think..." POOF! She disappears.

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

He asks the man, "Where did you get such a big lighter?"

The man replies, "See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish."

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, "That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he." The guy replies, "no kidding"! "You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!"

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."