Bar Jokes — most viewed jokes

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.

After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.)

The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and hollering, throwing money.

Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic.

Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the jukebox starts playing.

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.

One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her....

He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comes back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....he says to the man..."this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....but this is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to get her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" so the man forks over his $10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into a champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his compliments.....

The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather disinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off her barstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a most seductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrifically excited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders and leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on his neck....and she whispers "Hey big boy....want to go shopping?"

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.

Up walks a so called "lady of the night". She says, "For $300.00, I'll do anything you want."

Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says: Ok. Paint my house, bitch!

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV go's on and there is Bill Clinton about to give a speech. The man yells, "There's a horses ass" A guy gets up and punches him.. And the man left.. Then when Hilary Clinton came on he said the same, "There's a horses ASS..."

He then got punched again.. So he says to the bartender, "What is this, a Clinton country?" The bartender says "no, Horse country"

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.

The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off?
→ When you find a string in your bloody mary.

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking.

"Did you try my headache cure?" asked Trev.

"Yeah," said Phil, "worked great! Your house is nice, too!"