Random joke from this category
- Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.
- Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?
- Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?
According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
And who says our controllers don't have a sense of humor?
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."
The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...
- San Jose Tower: American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.
Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City...
- KC Approach: Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.
- Three-two-Charlie: We've got him. We'll follow him.
- KC Approach: Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
- Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.
- Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
- Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.
- Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?
- Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.
- O'Hare Approach Control: United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound.
- United 329: Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight.
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
→ Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"
Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are. The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says "We're just over Paris"
"How do you know" ask the others.
"Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."
Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London"
"How?" asks the others.
"Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben"
Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane, and says to the others "We have just flown over Glasgow."
"How do you know that?" comes the reply.
"Because some bastard has just stolen my watch"
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire."
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you."
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"
Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"
