Aviation Jokes — most viewed jokes

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland?

The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies

The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base:

- Requesting Radar.

- What is you position? - asked ATC

- You got radar you find us - Air Force One replied.

After a few minutes ATC announced:

- Air Force One we're changing frequency

- What frequency are you changing to? - asked Air Force One

- You've got 720 channels - you find us! - ATC replied.

The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along.

After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said:

- I don't like Chinese.

The F.O. replied:

- Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?

The Captain said:

- You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese.

The F.O. said:

- Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese.

And the Captain answered:

- Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike.

Another 30 minutes of silence.

Finally the First Officer said:

- No like Jew.

The Captain replied:

- Why not? Why don't you like Jews?

- Jews sink Titanic - Said the F.O.

The Captain tried to correct him:

- No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.

- Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

- How come? - his nephew asked.

- My plane has been grounded - Brendan explained.

- Grounded? - the little boy said.

- I didn't know planes had parents.

From the pilot during his welcome message:

- We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.

Did you hear about the new automatic parachutes, invented by a blond?
→ They open on impact.

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
→ You only have to teach them to take off!

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks:

- And get me a whisky you cow!

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls:

- And get me another whisky you idiot.

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach:

- I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says:

- For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!

An airplane pilot dies at the controls.

He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area.

There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears.

The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.

The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position.

He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says:

- I wanted door number three!

- Sorry - replies the devil.

- that's 'flight attendant's hell'.