Random joke from this category
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said:
- Where would man be today if it were not for woman?
She paused a moment and looked around the room.
- I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?
From the back of the room came a voice:
- He'd still be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:
- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?
- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.
- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?
- But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.
- If you do that, I will charge you with rape - snaps the irate woman.
- I didn't even touch you - grouses the sheriff.
- Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ...
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
- MEN 101--Combating Stupidity
- MEN 102--You, Too, Can Do Housework
- MEN 103--PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
- MEN 104--We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
- MEN 110--Wonderful Laundry Techniques
- MEN 111--Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am
- MEN 112--Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
- EAT 100--Get a Life, Learn to Cook
- EAT 101--Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
- ECON 001A--What's Hers is Hers
- MEN 120--How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong
- MEN 121--Understanding Your Incompetence
- MEN 122--YOU, the Weaker Sex
- MEN 123--Reasons to Give Flowers
- ECON 001C--What Was Yours is Hers
- SEX 101--You CAN Fall Asleep without It
- SEX 102--Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
- SEX 103--How to Stay Awake After Sex
- MEN 201--How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
- Elective--See Electives Below)
- MEN 210--The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
- MEN 211--How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
- MEN 212--You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
- MEN 213--Believe Me, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
- MEN 230A--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1
- MEN 220--Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
- MEN 221--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
- MEN 222--Real Men Ask for Directions
- MEN 223--Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
- EAT 101--Cooking with Tofu
- EAT 102--Utilization of Eating Utensils
- EAT 103--Burping and Belching Discreetly
- MEN 231--Mothers-in-law
- MEN 232--Appear to Be Listening
- MEN 233--Just Say "Yes, Dear"
- ECON 001C--Cheaper to Keep Her
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
- Yes = No
- No = No
- Maybe = No
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
- The same old thing = Nothing
- Nothing = Everything
- Everything = PMS again
- Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain
- I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
- "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
- "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
- "I'm tired" = I'm tired
- "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
- "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
- "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
- "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
- "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person.
- "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
Pay back time for the ladies!
Rules for Buying Gifts for Men
Rule #1
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.
- Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?
- OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.
If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.
- Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?
Rule #12
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
- It's really quite simple - the old man explained. Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment.
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
- So - he asked - any luck with your tomatoes?
- No - she replied excitedly - but you should see the size of my cucumbers!
RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:
- If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.
- Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
- Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.
- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.
- ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
- Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
- No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.
- Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.
- Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
- "Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.
- A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
- Check your oil.
- Don't give us rules.
- Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
- Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 2 days.
- Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
- Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
- Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!
How do you Scare a Man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
→ Exchange him.
What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
→ A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
How do you get a man to exercise?
→ Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know. It's never happened.
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
→ Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
What is a man's idea of safe sex?
→ A padded headboard.
Men are like vacations....
→ they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers....
→ hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers....
→ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like horoscopes....
→ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers....
→ they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like laxatives....
→ they irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like parking spots....
→ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why are men like lawnmowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.
Why are men like tile floors?
→ If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
→ "How come?"
What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
→ They'll never see you coming.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
→ S&M&M.
What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
→ Both capture the moment.
Define Transvestite:
→ A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
→ The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
→ A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
→ There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
→ Two Mennonite!
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
→ If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
→ Is it in?
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
→ A bingo machine.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
→ One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One ... Men will screw anything.
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts!
