Women Jokes — most commented jokes

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
→ One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
→ The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses:
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
→ Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?
→ Dumbbells.

The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there when they find out two things: God is a woman...and she nailed down all of Heaven's toilet seats!

A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.

The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation.

The transexual replied:

- Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either....

- Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?

- Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What men know about women.

A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae West
Men become old, but they never become good. - Oscar Wilde
A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. One.

Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.

Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?

Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women. Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.

Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Men...give them an inch...and they add it to their own.

I called my last boyfriend "Miller Lite"; tasted good, but wasn't very filling.

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

If they can put a man on the moon, then why can't they just put them all there.

Men are like dog turds; the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.

Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY.

The guy who said all men are created equal never went to a nudist colony.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.