Travel Jokes — most commented jokes

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
→ They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions." She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"

And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"

This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

- Room Service: Morny. Ruin sorbees.

- Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

- RS: Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??

- Guest: Uh..yes.. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

- RS: Ow July den?

- G: What??

- RS: Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?

- G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.

- RS: Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?

- G: Crisp will be fine

- RS: Hokay. An San tos?

- G: What?

- RS: San tos. July San tos?

- G: I don't think so

- RS: No? Judo one toes??

- G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means.

- RS: Toes! toes!.. Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlishmopping we bother?

- G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

- RS: We bother?

- G: No..just put the bother on the side.

- RS: Wad?

- G: I mean butter - just put it on the side.

- RS: Copy?

- G: Sorry?

- RS: Copy...tea...mill?

- G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.

- RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honeysigh, and copy....rye??

- G: Whatever you say.

- RS: Tendjewberrymud

- G: You're welcome

Have a good day

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.

"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.

They were discussing the fact that if they go for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes, but if they take the cigarettes with them, they will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The ladies go up to the girl and ask, "How do you keep your cigarettes dry?" Her answer, "I put them inside of a condom."

The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a condom. When the pharmacist asks, "What size?" one of the ladies says, "It should fit a Camel."

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat. "Please I need to get back to England" she pleaded.

"If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean."

Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said, "When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect." And being true to her word she agreed.

This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her.

"Please don't get angry," she started to say and explained the story to the captain who busted up laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" she demanded.

He said, "Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry."