Situations — most commented jokes

You Know You're Getting Older When...

• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
• Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
• A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
• You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
• After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
• Dialing long distance wears you out.
• You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
• You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
• You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.
• Your back goes out more often than you do.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
• The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Definitions of A Diplomat:

• Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.
• Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
• Can always make himself misunderstood.
• Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
• Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.
• Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.
• Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
• Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
• Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
• Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
• Can make nothing sound like something.
• Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
• Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.
• Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
• Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.
• Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.
• Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.
• Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
• Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
• Knows how far to go before he goes too far.
• Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.
• Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.
• Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.
• Straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.
• Will approach every question with an open mouth.
• Will lay down your life for his country.
• Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

TEST:

DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.

1. pick a number from 1-9
2. subtract 5
3. multiply by 3
4. square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root) and if it's negative make it positive.
5. add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4= 10= 1+0=1)
6. if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7. multiply by 2
8. subtract 6
9. map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
10. pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
11. take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter
12. think of the color of that mammal

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE

Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry....................

You have a grey elephant from Denmark!

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

How to identify where a driver is from...

• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
• One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California (with gun in lap: L.A.)
• Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
• Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
• One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
• One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
• One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
• Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
• One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
• Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
• Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" .... also seen a lot in Parksville!!!

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
→ What for? He can't see my license plate.

Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
→ The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

When driving through fog, what should you use?
→ Your car.

How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
→ Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
→ I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
→ I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
→ Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
→ The color.

How do you deal with heavy traffic?
→ Heavy psychedelics.

What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
→ Carry loaded weapons.

Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
→ It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! ...

IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

You don't know Jack Schitt!

When someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", well, now you'll know the entire story.

Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they produced six children.

Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their last child was a son, Bull.

As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Deep Schitt's twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hawse Schitt.

Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child, Baby Schitt.

So the next time someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" you can say "Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn family as well!"

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Forget about world peace...
Visualize using your turn signal.

WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?

DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.

Lead me not into temptation...
I can find it myself.