Sex Jokes — most commented jokes

Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?
→ So it doesn't explode when you fuck it.

How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
→ Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.

The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!

The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?'

'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'

What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg?

1. You only get laid once.
2. You only get eaten once.
3. It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in. "Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try your luck?" replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asked the lion. "Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"

The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.

I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"

The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.

The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"

"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "IT STOPPED ME!"