Sex Jokes — most commented jokes

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting, "One, two three, uhh... one, two three, uhh..."

In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?"

The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night."

The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
→ Full.

A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives.

Without preamble the hooker says, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's for a hand job."

"$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the man exclaimed. "No hand job in the world could be worth $500!"

The hooker summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below. "See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I can do with my hands."

Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual experience of his life. After he recuperates he says to the hooker, "God, that was fantastic!! How much for a blowjob?"

"$2500," the hooker replied.

"$2500 for a blowjob?" cried the astonished man. "That's way too much!"

Again the hooker summons the man to the window, this time pointing across the street. "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? I own that because of what I can do with my mouth."

"Oh no," moans the man, "this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it."

Once again the hooker takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified. As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know. How much do you get for pussy?"

The hooker drags the man to the window for a third time, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on the corner? I could own that if I had a pussy!"

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."

"Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine said he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all I can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one." She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued, "Then I put the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed. "It must have been huge! Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!"

What is green and eats nuts?
→ Herpes!

What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?
→ A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawal.

How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
→ He forgot to wrap his whopper.

What's the difference between hard and light?
→ You can sleep with a light on.

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.

They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had.

He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.

A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas."

"Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?"

The guy says, "No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."