School — most commented jokes

How do you know a Brigham Young student's been mowing the lawn?
→ The welcome mat is destroyed.

Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars?
→ So they can park in handicapped spaces.

- Teenage Driver: But, officer, I'm a college man.

- Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

- Davy, what noise does a cow make?

- It goes moo.

- Alice, what noise does a cat make?

- It goes meow.

- Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?

- It goes baaa.

- Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?

- Errr.., it goes.. click!

Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
→ To a mewseum.

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him.

One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars".

All of the kids called out their guesses.

One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."

"That's excellent" said the teacher.

Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."

"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.

One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."

Another excellent choice said the teacher.

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.

So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"

And Abraham said "Jesus Christ."

The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.

At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.

Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business!"

Why was the cannibal expelled from school?
→ Because he kept buttering up the teacher.

The Punished Schoolboy by Major Bumsaw

"That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher.

"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"

"Welcome to school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy.
"How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly new."

Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine.
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were."

"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills.

"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science teacher, "you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year."
Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that, Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."

- Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one.

- Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?

- Grandma: Yes, I do.

- Fred: Well, you can have mine.

- How old is your wife?

- Approaching forty.

- From which direction?

An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.

"That's right," said the old man. "Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead."

"Well, sir," said the interviewer, "I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday."

The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, "I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!"