Religion — most commented jokes

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him:

- Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you.

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says:

- Hold on, you can't bring that in here!

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying:

- You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through.

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims:

- You brought pavement?!!!

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted. The first guy said "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter." So God made him 100 times smarter. The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter." So God made him 1000 times smarter. The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter." So God made him a woman!!

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:

- Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?

- Yes - the professor ansvered.

- When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.

- Well - said the gatekeeper.

- That is a very minor sin. You may enter.

- Thank you very much, Saint Peter - the professor ansvered.

- Im am not Saint Peter - said the gatekeeper.

- He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates.

- Who goes there? - inquired St. Peter.

- It's me, Bill Clinton.

- What bad things did you do on earth?

Clinton thought a bit and answered:

- Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied:

- OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

The man said:

- I do Father.

The priest said:

- Then stand over there against the wall.

Then the priest asked the second man:

- Do you want to got to heaven?

- Certainly, Father - was the man's reply.

- Then stand over there against the wall - said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said:

- No, I don't Father.

The priest said:

- I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said:

- Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor:

- what did you do on Earth?

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor:

- you may go in.

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her:

- you may go in.

St. Peter asked the third man:

- what did you do?

The man hung his head and replied:

- I ran a large HMO.

To which St. Peter replied:

- you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked:

- Is this it?

God said:

- No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said:

- I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?

God replied:

- Shirley! I'm sorry but I didn't recognize you!

Adam was strolling through the Garden of Eden, and he asked God:

- God can you put someone else on this planet with me? It's kind of lonely here?

So God said:

- I will put on earth a woman.

- What is this 'woman'? - asked Adam.

- A woman is somebody who will provide companionship and take care of all your needs - explained God.

- Oh holy master, what is the price for this woman? - asked Adam.

- The price for her is your left arm and your right eye - said God.

Then Adam replied:

- Ehh... what can I get for a rib?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said:

- I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

- What type of bra? - asked the clerk.

- Type? - inquires the man. There is more than one type?

- Look around - said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

- Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras - replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied:

- The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked:

- What is the difference between them?

The lady responded:

- It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him. - Arthur C. Clarke
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders? - Friedrich Nietzsche
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. - Peter OToole