Religion — most commented jokes

A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road. The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher. They step out of their cars, and begin talking.

- Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault - says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.

- You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don't drink wine to represent Christ's blood.

The catholic preacher responds:

- Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead.

- I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let's drink a little right now while waiting for the cops.

"Oh, no I couldn't," replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the catholic preacher soon agrees. The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly.

"That wasn't that bad, you're right," the catholic preacher says. Noticing the baptist hasn't drank his wine, he asks, "Aren't you going to have some?"

- Oh sure - the other replies - I'll wait until after the cops come though.

There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat.

The man on the boat asks:

- do you want any help?

Man on the rock replies:

- no- the Lord will save me - so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him:

- do you want any help?

The man replied:

- no - the Lord will save me! Then along comes another man on a boat and asks:

- do you want any help?

and he said:

- no-the Lord will save me.

By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter:

- why didn't the Lord save me????

St. Peter said:

- he sent you 2 boats a helicpter-what more do you want!?

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!

Baptists: only trouble is, they don't hold them under long enough.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

A short guide to comparative religions:

Taoism : Shit Happens.

Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit.

Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah

Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism : This shit happened before.

Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.

Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.

Atheism : NO shit!

Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.

Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Existentialism : What is shit anyway?

Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me.

Rastafarianinsm : Let's smoke this shit.

Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs.

- God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself?

- Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.

- God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel?

- Eve: I feel great!

(Looking at her hand...)

- Woman: Excuse me God?

- God: Yes

- Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?

POOF Man was created.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says:

- My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.

The second boy says:

- That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.

The third boy says:

- I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church:

- When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral - Joe began.

- You mean the parking lot - interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

- I walked up the trail to the gate - Joe continued.

- The sidewalk to the door - Charlie corrected him.

- Inside the door, I was met by this dude - Joe went on.

- That would be the usher - Charlie explained.

- Well, the usher led me down the chute - Joe said.

- You mean the aisle - Charlie said.

- Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there - Joe continued.

- Pew - Charlie retorted.

- Yeah - recalled joe.

- That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying:

- Dear God, please don't let me be late to church.

- Please don't let me be late to church....

As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

- Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!

One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked hid Dad:

- What are these Pop?

- They're smart pills son - said his father.

- Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said:

- Yuck...these taste like poop!

- See - said his father.

- you're already getting smarter!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!